After being off work for one + month, I can say I’m back.
I experienced some mild anxiety about returning. It’s funny, but at first leaving back in March left me with panic attacks, the idea of being shut-in for who knew how long….and then going back left me with the same feelings. My body craves routine, and I inwardly rebel at leaving my new normal. At one point the routine of my job was safety, but then remaining home became my safe haven. It was the place where I knew I could hide away from what was plaguing our world.
Returning to work, stepping back into a familiar world on Friday morning that still felt oh-so-not-normal, reminded me of how far I’ve come in the last two months. I’m trying to allow obstacles to shape me into a better person instead of beating me down.
That determination doesn’t guarantee success, but it put’s me in a healthier mindset when I see the hard stuff as something I WILL overcome, and not take it as something that will overcome me. How we view things in our lives shape us and our choices that we make, and we all have different view points. I once heard that how we view God decides everything about us, and it’s true.
Whether or not you define yourself as a Christian or atheist or a seeker or a floater or just hanging out and trying to decide, how we view God will shape the choices we make.
And it is the same way with obstacles. How we view challenges, how we view ourselves, how we view the world, will differ to each person but we will each go about life differently because of that. And I’m learning to shape my thinking.
Walking back in what people are calling a “new normal” is odd, and I don’t believe it will ever feel normal to me. I miss a world where hugs and social distancing didn’t exist. I miss a world where we gathered close together. For one who struggles with social anxiety, right now I would be happiest dropped into the middle of a crowded concert where I knew not a soul.
It’s funny how time and circumstance changes us.
For the better or worst.
Being back to work is scary. It’s uncertain. And in a way I hate it. I want to crawl back under the covers and ignore the world. I’m good at that. When I was fourteen and video chats with online friends became too much (#socialanxiety) I will admit that I would shut off the video and then lie to said friend and say the internet went out on me.
If you’re reading this it’s highly unlikely you are one of those said friends because I’ve since lost contact with said friends.
I can no longer hide. I can no longer close the lid on my problems.
And facing them will only make me stronger.
I just have to allow them to.