how strong i am not

Please don’t let me fall prey to self-pity…. Journey entry June 11th 2020

The sun is setting. My hoodie is pulled over my head and the wind is cold for May. I just dyed my hair pink but it didn’t turn out like I wanted. But then, when does anything every really turn like we want? When is life ever really perfection? It’s perfection for us, but only a glimpse of what the word really stands for, a sliver of heaven on earth.

only a tiny sliver.

In the last two months I’ve realize how strong I really am not. I realized how I’d fallen into a sense of false security that I was okay, when in reality I was only as strong as my circumstances, as strong as what I am use to. As soon as something slipped even a little out of my grasp, out of my control, out of my normal that I had at one time defeared, my emotions completely rebelled.

My biggest fear is losing people. Losing them to death or circumstance or time, but lost from my life nonetheless. Covid-19 has been me facing the idea of losing people head on.

I feel all through this time has been giving up things.

my friends
my job
my routine
my life as I know it

And it’s like Jesus is holding out His hand and asking, “them or me?”

Not angrily. Tenderly.

There’s no condemnation in His eyes, only love. He’s continually seeking me and my attention, and yet I continue to ignore Him.

I cling tightly to the familiar, to what is safe anf true. This has been a slow season for me. I haven’t had this much time to focus on myself in my life. And suddenly I’m seeing how easy it is to fall. I knew it but now I’m seeing it. I’m seeing how fragile life is, how beautifully fragile we are.

We as Americans like to think we are invincible. We as humans want to think we have all the answers.

But in the last three+ months we are suddenly realizing we don’t. And I think God is going to teach us how strong we are not.

“We seem to think that God wants us to give up things…God never tells us to give up things just for the sake of giving them up, but He tells us to give them up for the sake of the only thing worth having, namely, life with Himself.”
Oswald Chambers

4 thoughts on “how strong i am not”

Thanks for sharing! I think often we forget to rely on God for strength, often only relying on ourselves. The past few months have been crazy for me – for everyone really – but yeah, I think throughout it all God has been showing us how to rely on Him.

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